My sister and I started attending RCIA classes, which peaked my curiosity even more. I had so many questions. I still have so many questions! We were both baptized in the church at Easter 2010 however she does not practice the faith at this time. Over the years, I continued to have an on and off relationship with Jesus. I attended mass sometimes but usually fe
lt like an outsider, which hindered me from truly understanding and loving the faith. I continued to question if Jesus was really who he said he was. I only knew of one practicing Catholic and that was my grandmother. In fact I never talked about my faith, thoughts or questions pertaining to Jesus or Catholicism and honestly, I still pretty much don’t. Being honest about how I currently feel about Jesus, my love for him and for his church, for the rich traditions and social teachings is something I keep to myself. Talking about all of that with the people I am closest with is a tad anxiety provoking. I am beginning to prepare myself for those conversations.
Around 2010 I found Jenifer Fulwiler’s blog, which at the time I believe was called ‘A Conversion diary ‘ (I hope I am right about that!) I felt like I could relate to Jen as someone who had previously been clueless about the Catholic Church. Although we didn’t share a background in Atheism (I would not have considered myself an Atheist at any point in my life, as she had) I appreciated her need to research and delve deep and ask tough questions. I think her blog helped me to realize that one day I would at some point be open and honest about my newfound love for Jesus and his church regardless of the opinions of others.
Okay, now its 2018. I am still not open to others about my beliefs and don’t talk about religion or Catholicism at all. But… in all fairness its been a really long road and I’m realizing that I may never “arrive” at this place where I am this amazing Catholic who understands everything about the church and is surrounded by Catholic friends who completely understand how I feel. I may never be the Catholic with this amazing unshakable faith who has memorized every prayer (For me, praying the rosary requires a lot of pauses, trying to remember the order of the rosary, the prayers and the mysteries) Guys, I didn’t even know what the “mysteries” were until maybe two years ago. All of this is so new to me and I can’t stress that enough. Despite everything, I am pulled to Jesus and his church. I am compelled to soak up as much as I can learn. At this point, I have decided that I will not put pressure on myself to be whatever vision I thought a Catholic ‘should’ look like and instead… I am just going to be me and to try as best as I can to live out my faith and to raise my daughter with this truth.0